WOW (not World of Warcraft)

"The minuet you let her under your skin, then you begin to make it better."

This past weekend (November 21 & 22) I was at Villebrook Baptist Church attending an event called moGwoG (man of God, woman of God). All I have to say is, WOW! Not only did I see the effect it had on others, but I was greatly affected as well. The entire event was on "True Love Waits". We talked about sexually purity, witch not only means not having sex before marrage, but also not lusting with your eyes and mind, knowing when too much touching comes around, and the characteristics a Christian wife should have. Now I know everyone struggles with this, but I had an actually addiction to pornography. I thought it was ok, because I wasn't hurting anyone and I wasn't at risk of getting a disease or getting a girl pregnant. Well, it turns out I was wrong. By Friday night, I felt worse than I have ever felt in my life. I felt so dirty and sinful (people always do when they are forced to face their sin) and I wanted to cry.

But half the time I was there, I wasn't paying attention to what we were doing. I was to busy paying attention to a girl (who shall remain nameless). She and I knew each other, but I felt very...strongly (for lack of a better word) for her. Now I know "you were supposed to be there for God, not girls" well I can only stop human nature when I am paying attention to it. Getting back on topic, I knew I couldn't ever act on my feelings so, under the excuse of needing to take medicine, (we were playing a game called "Battle of the Sexes" at that time) I slipped into another room, took my meds, and tried to meditate. But I couldn't get her off my mind, and I began to feel sorrow, and then I began to weep (I felt so very helpless and weak at that moment). And as I was sitting there on the floor, God took his spiritual 2x4, stood behind me (I could have sworn I heard "Ok, boy, this is gonna hurt you more than it'll hurt me") and he smacked me across the back of my head. I came to realize that I had not been trusting God comepleatly. So, after God and I had a very personal talk, I rejoined the group and had a blast.

Then, on Saturday night, we had a banquet (dunno if I spelled that right). All the girls and most of the guy's dressed up, and we were paired up (some guys got ywo dates[not comlaining, rule number one]). I was paired with Elizibeth Sholts(once again sorry if I misspelled it). Now sh is an amazing person, but I was very uncomfortable because I was sitting where I could see the girl I like. Well, putting that aside, it was a good banquet. Afterwards, Dave Altis (or Daltis as the Heartland guys) came up to speak on abortion, and even before he actually started getting into scripture, he bagan to cry (that is a man who is passionate about the Word) Then we went upstairs and had revival. When worship started, I could tell I was gonna cry again. The music began and I tried my best to not cry, and SUCCEDED! Then Jimmy and Christiana (the youth pastor and his wife, good friends of mine) told the story of how they met, and got married (many "Awwwww"s were heard). Then they opened the alter (while they were playing the music. The mix has amazing affects) but I told myself "No! I won't go down there and cry". Well I cried anyway, but first I went and talked to Christiana about the previously mentioned girl. she told me that she had felt the same way before, and that the way she had delt with it was she prayed to God everyday (something I had already been doing) and she told me to give everything back to God. I returned to my seat, stewing over the information and the girl, and God just (to quote Geoff Moore) "godgottaholdame" (one word). He led me to the alter and I prayed. I put forth all my sin and my secrets. After worship was over, a friend of Jimmy's (whose name escapes me) preached about sexually abstinace. He place some cards on the floor and told us that they were vows to be sexuallly abstinant until marrage, and not to sign them unless we meant it. I couldn't wait to get up there and sign one, I was and am ready to make and keep that vow. well afterwords, most people went home, but a few people (including myself) stayed and slept in the church.

Sunday morning. One word to sum it up would be, sad. I didn't want to leave, because I was scared of falling back into my old life. I nerviously sat in the pew (next to my good friend Phil [love him to death]) and listen to the testimonies of a few people. Then, Jimmy called us all up, one at a time, and gave us the cards we signed. After the service, we all got our things and went home, but I felt empty. Before I left, I recived a hug from peiviously mentioned girl, and I never wanted to let go. I wanted to pull her aside and say
"Girl I lied to you when I said you didn't hrut me. You hurt me real bad. I knwo that things didn't work out because of me, but I would like to give it another shot. I know I won't ever get a chance to do that, but I can't help it. I feel this way and I can't stop, so kll me if this is too much. You've probly heard this from a hundred other guy's before, and I promised myself I wouldn't feel this way. I wish I could go back to the day before I met you and pervent myself from going to Springfield. That's how much I hurt. I'm sorry girl, I really am."
On the way home, I wanted to pray for her, but I didn't know what about. The rest of the day is pretty boring. I got home, went to the mall, got "Legend of Dragoon" of PSOne (BEST, GAME, EVER!), came home, and here I am.

I learned several things this weekend

1. There is no secret sin. God sees everything you do.
2. Divorce is not an option. It is man's creation, not God's.
3. Abortion is evil. A grown person has a chance to defend themselves, but a child still in the womb doesn't.
4. Give everything back to God. Life is much easier if you do.
5. Sleeping on a cold tile floor in the basement of a church makes everyone cold.

I wish this weekend had never ended but it did. So....
PEACE!!!!