"Well I could talk about it all day long till I run out of breath,
Oh God, I wanna be that someone that you're with!"
Ok, so my weekend was interesting, for lack of a better word. I guess I'll start at the beginning. On Friday I woke up and went to school and was immediately ambushed by a couple of girls who wanted to write on my pants (very strange, but it's attention), so now a pair of perfectly good pants are marked up. On the good side, a kid that really gets on my heckles was absent that day so I didn't have to put up with his crap. That night I went to my friend Rachel's house (the one who helped me, and who I really like). Her friends were over there and we were gonna have a fire (which is the main reason I was over there). Well a guy named Devin was over there (a.k.a. the guy Rachel likes....ALOT) and I just felt really out of place. Well I left eariler than I would have liked, but shit happens ya know? I mean I really like her but she likes Devin, so theres not much I can do.
Saturday morning I woke up and went to see Wolverine with my pa, my firends Jimmy, Christiana, Shana, Dustin, Brendan, and Gears (don't ask). All in all, it was a really a good movie, but................................TOO MANY DANG INCONSISTANCIES!!!!!!!!! But Iike I said, good movie all in all. Then I went home and chilled.
Now it's Sunday and I have nothing to do after church. Next week is a little more event filled. My birthday is onWednesday, May 6th. I turn 16, so thats pretty awesome. Saturday morning me, my pa, my friend Alex, and my brother are all going with Jimmy to watch the new Star Trek movie. I've gotta find my dad's Vulcan ears so I can properly geek out. Then later that night Ima go to Pops to see Twiztid's End Of Days tour. It will be beast, and I will mosh. OOOooooohhhhh Yeah. That's prety much it. I haven't been on much lately. I really need a theme for this thing, its starting to look a little emo if I just type about my less than eventful life. I'm open to idea's, but it's not like anybody read this so.......
PEACE!!!!!!!!!!11!!
Oh and I lost my book children of Dune, so that really sucks (like anyone cares, heh)
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Friday, December 19, 2008
A Long Day's Life
"Oh no, I'm lost and all alone
Battered and broken and scarred to the bone."
Today was a mixed day. I finished reading my book "American Gods" today. It is a very interesting and entertaining book. I actually got all my work turned in ON TIME, which is a very big accomplishment to me. But good things don't ever last. I learned today that two of my friends (Stephanie and Miranda Hopson) were told they couldn't come back to Hancock because they don't live in the district. Those pieces of crap that run the school board won't even let them finish the semester. We (and by WE, I do not only refer to the voices [see earlier posts] but also to my friends) stayed with her until her mom came and picked her up. When she was about to leave I told her " I'll never say good bye, cause that means I ain't never gonna see you again."
Then when I got home, I learned that my dad quit his job because they were gonna fire him anyway, so now we're kinda screwed, but what else is new. All I can hope from this situation is that it tempers me and shapes me.
In better news, I am beginning to find my voice. Meaning, I realize now that I can sing proficiently. Right now I'm still a little shy about singing in front of people, but I sang for Stephanie while we waited for her mom, but I'm not sure she heard me. Oh well.
The question I began asking myself this week is, What if all the Old Gods are real. What if they are living breathing beings that are living among us in secrecy? Think about it! Odin, Thor, Horus, Set, Zeus, Hermes, what if they are real? But another question raises it's self. why are they hiding?
I must remember to be faithful and to believe.
Semper Fidelis
Constance Fidelis
My mind is at war,
Till I call upon the LORD
I humbly sit
While the world is sick
And I say
"Hark unto me,
messenger of the Almighty,
He is sad
he is mad
but most of all
he is glad.
For his children are safe
In his place."
But they scoff at me
They steer clear of me
They say I am sick
That I need help.
They call me weak minded
and I have decided.
that we are near the fall.
"SEMPER FIDELIS
CONSTANCE FIDELIS"
I cry to the dead
before my body goes to bed.
PEACE!!!!!!!!!!11!!!
Battered and broken and scarred to the bone."
Today was a mixed day. I finished reading my book "American Gods" today. It is a very interesting and entertaining book. I actually got all my work turned in ON TIME, which is a very big accomplishment to me. But good things don't ever last. I learned today that two of my friends (Stephanie and Miranda Hopson) were told they couldn't come back to Hancock because they don't live in the district. Those pieces of crap that run the school board won't even let them finish the semester. We (and by WE, I do not only refer to the voices [see earlier posts] but also to my friends) stayed with her until her mom came and picked her up. When she was about to leave I told her " I'll never say good bye, cause that means I ain't never gonna see you again."
Then when I got home, I learned that my dad quit his job because they were gonna fire him anyway, so now we're kinda screwed, but what else is new. All I can hope from this situation is that it tempers me and shapes me.
In better news, I am beginning to find my voice. Meaning, I realize now that I can sing proficiently. Right now I'm still a little shy about singing in front of people, but I sang for Stephanie while we waited for her mom, but I'm not sure she heard me. Oh well.
The question I began asking myself this week is, What if all the Old Gods are real. What if they are living breathing beings that are living among us in secrecy? Think about it! Odin, Thor, Horus, Set, Zeus, Hermes, what if they are real? But another question raises it's self. why are they hiding?
I must remember to be faithful and to believe.
Semper Fidelis
Constance Fidelis
My mind is at war,
Till I call upon the LORD
I humbly sit
While the world is sick
And I say
"Hark unto me,
messenger of the Almighty,
He is sad
he is mad
but most of all
he is glad.
For his children are safe
In his place."
But they scoff at me
They steer clear of me
They say I am sick
That I need help.
They call me weak minded
and I have decided.
that we are near the fall.
"SEMPER FIDELIS
CONSTANCE FIDELIS"
I cry to the dead
before my body goes to bed.
PEACE!!!!!!!!!!11!!!
Friday, November 28, 2008
Love
"Don't you go dancing on my heart again, telling me you only want to be my friend,"
Ok, so I woke up this morning (actually it was around 12:00) and the first thing I heard on my radio was a love song. Now I'm not a morning person to begin with, but this just pissed me off. I just about threw my radio through the window. Who ever came up with love songs should be brutally murdered in their sleep. And if they're dead, then they should be brought back to life and killed. The only purpose of love songs is to make people realize how pathetic their lives realy are (for those of you who are sentitive to vulger words, close this window now. I mean it, this is gonna get violent. I'm gonna go on a full rampage. No one will be safe after this point. It's your own fault if you get offended. Are you sure you don't want to leave? Positive? There's no turning back after this point. Get ready, here it comes. Prepare yourselves!). Who the hell needs to be reminded on how much of a loser they are? It serves no purpose except to cause mass depression.
See, now I have to get into love (get comfortable, this could take a while). Scientifically, it is a chemical reaction that tells you "Hey, she's sexy. Go drill her till you drop!". But emotionally, it is so much more. It is a reaction to someone you know, or it could even be a compleate stranger, indicating that you want to be around them, for the rest of their lives, and that you want the same feelings to be felt by the person whom you are attracted to. Now I have been in love twice. Never again will I love another human being. The first time, there were complications, and I was burned when I tried to get back into it. The second time worked out well, then things simply fell to crap, and I was burned. I then had to watch as that person entered into another relationship. That was too much, and I cracked. I will never love another human being in all of my pitiful existance. That is a vow. I got burned twice, thats good enought for me. And if either of the people who burned me are reading this, don't comment me saying, "Oh, I'm so sorry I hurt you," cause I will seriously go on a freaking rampage. In fact don't even comment on this post at all (ok now if I offened anyone with this, I don't care.). Alrightythen, I have stepped off my soap box, and I am calming down.
Ok, so I woke up this morning (actually it was around 12:00) and the first thing I heard on my radio was a love song. Now I'm not a morning person to begin with, but this just pissed me off. I just about threw my radio through the window. Who ever came up with love songs should be brutally murdered in their sleep. And if they're dead, then they should be brought back to life and killed. The only purpose of love songs is to make people realize how pathetic their lives realy are (for those of you who are sentitive to vulger words, close this window now. I mean it, this is gonna get violent. I'm gonna go on a full rampage. No one will be safe after this point. It's your own fault if you get offended. Are you sure you don't want to leave? Positive? There's no turning back after this point. Get ready, here it comes. Prepare yourselves!). Who the hell needs to be reminded on how much of a loser they are? It serves no purpose except to cause mass depression.
See, now I have to get into love (get comfortable, this could take a while). Scientifically, it is a chemical reaction that tells you "Hey, she's sexy. Go drill her till you drop!". But emotionally, it is so much more. It is a reaction to someone you know, or it could even be a compleate stranger, indicating that you want to be around them, for the rest of their lives, and that you want the same feelings to be felt by the person whom you are attracted to. Now I have been in love twice. Never again will I love another human being. The first time, there were complications, and I was burned when I tried to get back into it. The second time worked out well, then things simply fell to crap, and I was burned. I then had to watch as that person entered into another relationship. That was too much, and I cracked. I will never love another human being in all of my pitiful existance. That is a vow. I got burned twice, thats good enought for me. And if either of the people who burned me are reading this, don't comment me saying, "Oh, I'm so sorry I hurt you," cause I will seriously go on a freaking rampage. In fact don't even comment on this post at all (ok now if I offened anyone with this, I don't care.). Alrightythen, I have stepped off my soap box, and I am calming down.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
WOW (not World of Warcraft)
"The minuet you let her under your skin, then you begin to make it better."
This past weekend (November 21 & 22) I was at Villebrook Baptist Church attending an event called moGwoG (man of God, woman of God). All I have to say is, WOW! Not only did I see the effect it had on others, but I was greatly affected as well. The entire event was on "True Love Waits". We talked about sexually purity, witch not only means not having sex before marrage, but also not lusting with your eyes and mind, knowing when too much touching comes around, and the characteristics a Christian wife should have. Now I know everyone struggles with this, but I had an actually addiction to pornography. I thought it was ok, because I wasn't hurting anyone and I wasn't at risk of getting a disease or getting a girl pregnant. Well, it turns out I was wrong. By Friday night, I felt worse than I have ever felt in my life. I felt so dirty and sinful (people always do when they are forced to face their sin) and I wanted to cry.
But half the time I was there, I wasn't paying attention to what we were doing. I was to busy paying attention to a girl (who shall remain nameless). She and I knew each other, but I felt very...strongly (for lack of a better word) for her. Now I know "you were supposed to be there for God, not girls" well I can only stop human nature when I am paying attention to it. Getting back on topic, I knew I couldn't ever act on my feelings so, under the excuse of needing to take medicine, (we were playing a game called "Battle of the Sexes" at that time) I slipped into another room, took my meds, and tried to meditate. But I couldn't get her off my mind, and I began to feel sorrow, and then I began to weep (I felt so very helpless and weak at that moment). And as I was sitting there on the floor, God took his spiritual 2x4, stood behind me (I could have sworn I heard "Ok, boy, this is gonna hurt you more than it'll hurt me") and he smacked me across the back of my head. I came to realize that I had not been trusting God comepleatly. So, after God and I had a very personal talk, I rejoined the group and had a blast.
Then, on Saturday night, we had a banquet (dunno if I spelled that right). All the girls and most of the guy's dressed up, and we were paired up (some guys got ywo dates[not comlaining, rule number one]). I was paired with Elizibeth Sholts(once again sorry if I misspelled it). Now sh is an amazing person, but I was very uncomfortable because I was sitting where I could see the girl I like. Well, putting that aside, it was a good banquet. Afterwards, Dave Altis (or Daltis as the Heartland guys) came up to speak on abortion, and even before he actually started getting into scripture, he bagan to cry (that is a man who is passionate about the Word) Then we went upstairs and had revival. When worship started, I could tell I was gonna cry again. The music began and I tried my best to not cry, and SUCCEDED! Then Jimmy and Christiana (the youth pastor and his wife, good friends of mine) told the story of how they met, and got married (many "Awwwww"s were heard). Then they opened the alter (while they were playing the music. The mix has amazing affects) but I told myself "No! I won't go down there and cry". Well I cried anyway, but first I went and talked to Christiana about the previously mentioned girl. she told me that she had felt the same way before, and that the way she had delt with it was she prayed to God everyday (something I had already been doing) and she told me to give everything back to God. I returned to my seat, stewing over the information and the girl, and God just (to quote Geoff Moore) "godgottaholdame" (one word). He led me to the alter and I prayed. I put forth all my sin and my secrets. After worship was over, a friend of Jimmy's (whose name escapes me) preached about sexually abstinace. He place some cards on the floor and told us that they were vows to be sexuallly abstinant until marrage, and not to sign them unless we meant it. I couldn't wait to get up there and sign one, I was and am ready to make and keep that vow. well afterwords, most people went home, but a few people (including myself) stayed and slept in the church.
Sunday morning. One word to sum it up would be, sad. I didn't want to leave, because I was scared of falling back into my old life. I nerviously sat in the pew (next to my good friend Phil [love him to death]) and listen to the testimonies of a few people. Then, Jimmy called us all up, one at a time, and gave us the cards we signed. After the service, we all got our things and went home, but I felt empty. Before I left, I recived a hug from peiviously mentioned girl, and I never wanted to let go. I wanted to pull her aside and say
"Girl I lied to you when I said you didn't hrut me. You hurt me real bad. I knwo that things didn't work out because of me, but I would like to give it another shot. I know I won't ever get a chance to do that, but I can't help it. I feel this way and I can't stop, so kll me if this is too much. You've probly heard this from a hundred other guy's before, and I promised myself I wouldn't feel this way. I wish I could go back to the day before I met you and pervent myself from going to Springfield. That's how much I hurt. I'm sorry girl, I really am."
On the way home, I wanted to pray for her, but I didn't know what about. The rest of the day is pretty boring. I got home, went to the mall, got "Legend of Dragoon" of PSOne (BEST, GAME, EVER!), came home, and here I am.
I learned several things this weekend
PEACE!!!!
This past weekend (November 21 & 22) I was at Villebrook Baptist Church attending an event called moGwoG (man of God, woman of God). All I have to say is, WOW! Not only did I see the effect it had on others, but I was greatly affected as well. The entire event was on "True Love Waits". We talked about sexually purity, witch not only means not having sex before marrage, but also not lusting with your eyes and mind, knowing when too much touching comes around, and the characteristics a Christian wife should have. Now I know everyone struggles with this, but I had an actually addiction to pornography. I thought it was ok, because I wasn't hurting anyone and I wasn't at risk of getting a disease or getting a girl pregnant. Well, it turns out I was wrong. By Friday night, I felt worse than I have ever felt in my life. I felt so dirty and sinful (people always do when they are forced to face their sin) and I wanted to cry.
But half the time I was there, I wasn't paying attention to what we were doing. I was to busy paying attention to a girl (who shall remain nameless). She and I knew each other, but I felt very...strongly (for lack of a better word) for her. Now I know "you were supposed to be there for God, not girls" well I can only stop human nature when I am paying attention to it. Getting back on topic, I knew I couldn't ever act on my feelings so, under the excuse of needing to take medicine, (we were playing a game called "Battle of the Sexes" at that time) I slipped into another room, took my meds, and tried to meditate. But I couldn't get her off my mind, and I began to feel sorrow, and then I began to weep (I felt so very helpless and weak at that moment). And as I was sitting there on the floor, God took his spiritual 2x4, stood behind me (I could have sworn I heard "Ok, boy, this is gonna hurt you more than it'll hurt me") and he smacked me across the back of my head. I came to realize that I had not been trusting God comepleatly. So, after God and I had a very personal talk, I rejoined the group and had a blast.
Then, on Saturday night, we had a banquet (dunno if I spelled that right). All the girls and most of the guy's dressed up, and we were paired up (some guys got ywo dates[not comlaining, rule number one]). I was paired with Elizibeth Sholts(once again sorry if I misspelled it). Now sh is an amazing person, but I was very uncomfortable because I was sitting where I could see the girl I like. Well, putting that aside, it was a good banquet. Afterwards, Dave Altis (or Daltis as the Heartland guys) came up to speak on abortion, and even before he actually started getting into scripture, he bagan to cry (that is a man who is passionate about the Word) Then we went upstairs and had revival. When worship started, I could tell I was gonna cry again. The music began and I tried my best to not cry, and SUCCEDED! Then Jimmy and Christiana (the youth pastor and his wife, good friends of mine) told the story of how they met, and got married (many "Awwwww"s were heard). Then they opened the alter (while they were playing the music. The mix has amazing affects) but I told myself "No! I won't go down there and cry". Well I cried anyway, but first I went and talked to Christiana about the previously mentioned girl. she told me that she had felt the same way before, and that the way she had delt with it was she prayed to God everyday (something I had already been doing) and she told me to give everything back to God. I returned to my seat, stewing over the information and the girl, and God just (to quote Geoff Moore) "godgottaholdame" (one word). He led me to the alter and I prayed. I put forth all my sin and my secrets. After worship was over, a friend of Jimmy's (whose name escapes me) preached about sexually abstinace. He place some cards on the floor and told us that they were vows to be sexuallly abstinant until marrage, and not to sign them unless we meant it. I couldn't wait to get up there and sign one, I was and am ready to make and keep that vow. well afterwords, most people went home, but a few people (including myself) stayed and slept in the church.
Sunday morning. One word to sum it up would be, sad. I didn't want to leave, because I was scared of falling back into my old life. I nerviously sat in the pew (next to my good friend Phil [love him to death]) and listen to the testimonies of a few people. Then, Jimmy called us all up, one at a time, and gave us the cards we signed. After the service, we all got our things and went home, but I felt empty. Before I left, I recived a hug from peiviously mentioned girl, and I never wanted to let go. I wanted to pull her aside and say
"Girl I lied to you when I said you didn't hrut me. You hurt me real bad. I knwo that things didn't work out because of me, but I would like to give it another shot. I know I won't ever get a chance to do that, but I can't help it. I feel this way and I can't stop, so kll me if this is too much. You've probly heard this from a hundred other guy's before, and I promised myself I wouldn't feel this way. I wish I could go back to the day before I met you and pervent myself from going to Springfield. That's how much I hurt. I'm sorry girl, I really am."
On the way home, I wanted to pray for her, but I didn't know what about. The rest of the day is pretty boring. I got home, went to the mall, got "Legend of Dragoon" of PSOne (BEST, GAME, EVER!), came home, and here I am.
I learned several things this weekend
- There is no secret sin. God sees everything you do.
- Divorce is not an option. It is man's creation, not God's.
- Abortion is evil. A grown person has a chance to defend themselves, but a child still in the womb doesn't.
- Give everything back to God. Life is much easier if you do.
- Sleeping on a cold tile floor in the basement of a church makes everyone cold.
PEACE!!!!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Foodang
" What is it about a serial killa that attracts you?
And makes this music that you can sharpen an axe to"
Whoop Whoop to Twiztid. Well, it's a cold cloudy Thursday afternoon here in Lemay (if you didn't know I like cloudy cold rainy weather.) On a different note, my copies of the original Dune saga came in today, as well as my copy of "The Gypsy Morph" by Terry Brooks (He and frank Herbert [RIP] are in my top ten favorite authors of all time).
Welp, I was again reminded on how much life sucks today. I looked around at my friends, and the majority of them were in relationships that they were happy with. I thought to myself "Hey, didn't we have a relationship like that?" (Once again, if you didn't know, my anxiety produces schitsophrenic symptoms) and I replied " Yeah, we had a couple, but you ruined them. Especially the last one. You shouldn't have even gotten involed in that one, it only brought uneeded pain. Do you know how many nights you stayed away, wondering what things would have been like if things had worked out. You really are pathetic!" and THEN I ran into a pole. And as I walked away with the small amount of dignety I had left, I decided that I needed to leave. Not just my town or my house, I needed to leave everything. I have to, so many people would be happy if I disappered. And for those who would be sad, I'm sorry. I was always told to get up, stop crying, and keep going. And that is what I plan to do. You few who care can't begin to expiriance what I have, and you could say the same. But what I've had to deal with leaves a different impact. One who is mentally and emotionally disturbed can't deal with things the same way normal people can. I might leave tomorrow, I might leave in ten years. Only God can tell. But when he does, I'll be a Ghost in your memories.
update, I just saw "The Fantasticks" (our school musical) it was very good. I would like to see it again, but I will be gone at MOGWOG this weekend.
And makes this music that you can sharpen an axe to"
Whoop Whoop to Twiztid. Well, it's a cold cloudy Thursday afternoon here in Lemay (if you didn't know I like cloudy cold rainy weather.) On a different note, my copies of the original Dune saga came in today, as well as my copy of "The Gypsy Morph" by Terry Brooks (He and frank Herbert [RIP] are in my top ten favorite authors of all time).
Welp, I was again reminded on how much life sucks today. I looked around at my friends, and the majority of them were in relationships that they were happy with. I thought to myself "Hey, didn't we have a relationship like that?" (Once again, if you didn't know, my anxiety produces schitsophrenic symptoms) and I replied " Yeah, we had a couple, but you ruined them. Especially the last one. You shouldn't have even gotten involed in that one, it only brought uneeded pain. Do you know how many nights you stayed away, wondering what things would have been like if things had worked out. You really are pathetic!" and THEN I ran into a pole. And as I walked away with the small amount of dignety I had left, I decided that I needed to leave. Not just my town or my house, I needed to leave everything. I have to, so many people would be happy if I disappered. And for those who would be sad, I'm sorry. I was always told to get up, stop crying, and keep going. And that is what I plan to do. You few who care can't begin to expiriance what I have, and you could say the same. But what I've had to deal with leaves a different impact. One who is mentally and emotionally disturbed can't deal with things the same way normal people can. I might leave tomorrow, I might leave in ten years. Only God can tell. But when he does, I'll be a Ghost in your memories.
update, I just saw "The Fantasticks" (our school musical) it was very good. I would like to see it again, but I will be gone at MOGWOG this weekend.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Welsome to the Show
Hey. My name is Yehoshuah (translate that into English and you have my real name). I'm a typical, mid-American teenage guy in many respects, and not so typical in many other respects. The point of this blog is to release some stress that I cannot release normally. Most people in my life say that I can trust them and talk to them, but trust is something I cannot give easily. I lost a girlfriend because of it, but that's my fault. Enough of this talk of trust. I enjoy music, reading, writing, drawing, and sleeping (this above all others). I am a proud Baptist, but I have strayed from my path of righteousness. I live in a world constantly tormented by my peers, my family, my own mind, and my body (like I said, typical, teenage, guy). As you can see, by now, I like to use the parentheses a lot (it helps when you need to add a comment without confusion).
I am a Juggalo (not to be confused with Jiggalo). That is, I enjoy and endorse the music of ICP and Psychopathic Records. My judge my character on this, but I'm not a bad guy. I'm funny and witty (blowing my own horn, I know). If you look past all the rage and hatefulness, I think you'll find something that has a heart, at least I think it's still there.
I have a mild to server anxiety disorder. This, being my primary problem, is easily dealt with, by heavy medication (one down, three hundred and forty-nine to go, heh heh). NUMBAH TOO (told ya I could be funny), I am VERY shy. NUMBAH THREE, If I distance myself from you, the best cure would be to come over and talk to me (If you force me to talk to you, I'll do it).
That's pretty much it. If I think of anything else, I'll letcha know.
PEACE!!!!
I am a Juggalo (not to be confused with Jiggalo). That is, I enjoy and endorse the music of ICP and Psychopathic Records. My judge my character on this, but I'm not a bad guy. I'm funny and witty (blowing my own horn, I know). If you look past all the rage and hatefulness, I think you'll find something that has a heart, at least I think it's still there.
I have a mild to server anxiety disorder. This, being my primary problem, is easily dealt with, by heavy medication (one down, three hundred and forty-nine to go, heh heh). NUMBAH TOO (told ya I could be funny), I am VERY shy. NUMBAH THREE, If I distance myself from you, the best cure would be to come over and talk to me (If you force me to talk to you, I'll do it).
That's pretty much it. If I think of anything else, I'll letcha know.
PEACE!!!!
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